For years I have been trying to shape myself into something that someone else would want. If I look this way or act this way I would be more attractive to guys. Then I really thought about it. Guys are attracted to me as I am now. True the majority may not be what I am looking for (toothless, old, criminals, etc) but there are some that I keep around (hey I kept Mail Man around for a year!)
As I loose weight (I had lap band surgery last year for those who didn't know) I find that I want someone to want me as I am and not as I will be. Does that make any sense? I am fat (yes I said it), loud, funny, bitchy and loving. Take it or leave it. If you don't love me the way that I am now, I'm not looking for you later!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Its Been a Long Time
I haven't blogged in ages. I guess that tells you how busy life has been. That and they blocked this site at work and this was one of my favorite ways to avoid doing my job! So my dears let me catch you up. Yes I am still single. Yes I am still in grad school. I swear it feels as if I will never graduate. Yes I still have a job- even with furloughs and salary reductions- thank God for that! I am addicted to Facebook. It is a great way to catch up with me and for me to see what is going on with everyone else.
I haven't been on a rant in a while and now that I think about it, I have something to say dammit! To the little bastard that decided to autograph my car with permanent marker- I hope your teeth fall out! Yeah I said it. Here I was at ghetto Target (Mondawmin) minding my own business. I come out to find that DEL wrote on the back of my driver's side mirror. How in the hell am I supposed to get that shit off? I mean you had nothing else better to do then write on a car? My car at that? I mean I don't drive a BMW or anything but my little Highlander is my baby and I don't appreciate it being defaced.
Ok rant over....for now....
I haven't been on a rant in a while and now that I think about it, I have something to say dammit! To the little bastard that decided to autograph my car with permanent marker- I hope your teeth fall out! Yeah I said it. Here I was at ghetto Target (Mondawmin) minding my own business. I come out to find that DEL wrote on the back of my driver's side mirror. How in the hell am I supposed to get that shit off? I mean you had nothing else better to do then write on a car? My car at that? I mean I don't drive a BMW or anything but my little Highlander is my baby and I don't appreciate it being defaced.
Ok rant over....for now....
Monday, July 13, 2009
I have given up on trying to understand guys! I have accepted that I will be alone for the rest of my life!
I just don't get how he could say I miss you and lets plan to meet up and then out of the other side of his mouth say I just don't feel like company when the time comes. So I say to you my dear 3rd Grade- forget it. I give up trying to figure out what you want. Especially when you don't know. I am leaving you alone to find yourself. When you do, I may be around, I may not. Being friends with you is too hard right now. Starved crushes die and I hope this one won't be a slow death. While I am upset with you, I don't wish you ill. I just hope that you find what you are looking for. In time, I hope we really can be good friends because no matter what I will miss you.
I just don't get how he could say I miss you and lets plan to meet up and then out of the other side of his mouth say I just don't feel like company when the time comes. So I say to you my dear 3rd Grade- forget it. I give up trying to figure out what you want. Especially when you don't know. I am leaving you alone to find yourself. When you do, I may be around, I may not. Being friends with you is too hard right now. Starved crushes die and I hope this one won't be a slow death. While I am upset with you, I don't wish you ill. I just hope that you find what you are looking for. In time, I hope we really can be good friends because no matter what I will miss you.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Being a Brown Trout
So it would seem that in the world the fish the brown trout has it right. He doesn't chase the bait. He waits for the bait to come to him.
So I am practising to be a brown trout. I am tired of doing the chasing. Hell I'm tired of the chase. If 3rd grade wants me seriously, he is going to have to come to me. I can't keep pushing and nudging him along. I'm not saying that I will be a bitch but instead of putting an idea in his head and making him think its his own, it will actually have to be his own. I want this but he has to want this also. So I will be his friend. I will respond to him. But I won't lead him.
Big words. Lets see if my actions can back it up.....
So I am practising to be a brown trout. I am tired of doing the chasing. Hell I'm tired of the chase. If 3rd grade wants me seriously, he is going to have to come to me. I can't keep pushing and nudging him along. I'm not saying that I will be a bitch but instead of putting an idea in his head and making him think its his own, it will actually have to be his own. I want this but he has to want this also. So I will be his friend. I will respond to him. But I won't lead him.
Big words. Lets see if my actions can back it up.....
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
BET on a Hot Mess
So I was watching the BET Awards because I wanted to see what type of tribute they were going to do to MJ. Why? There is a reason that I never watch that show and I was reminded why on Sunday night. In general the show is always a mess. My inner snob is coming out but it is always ghetto! Folks have clothes half on, the cursing (not talking about you Eddie LeVert!) and the "bling." I mean really T Pain and his "Big Ass Chain" necklace all iced out and the fool came out with a cup in his hand. Who comes out on stage to accept an award with a cup in his hand? I can only imagine what was in it. And why do so few black folks seem to know how to speak proper English?
Another thing that I found beyond tacky was Joe Jackson. Your son just died and you are walking the red carpet talking about your new record label. Then you sit through the whole damn show! WTF?!?!?! Take a page from your daughter Janet. She showed up at the end and thanked everyone for their well wishes and condolences and called it a day. I always knew Joe was an ass.
All in all I BET I won't be watching another BET Awards show. At least a fight didn't break out this year- or is that the Source Awards? Black folks get it together. We have so moved pass the Good Times mentality!
Another thing that I found beyond tacky was Joe Jackson. Your son just died and you are walking the red carpet talking about your new record label. Then you sit through the whole damn show! WTF?!?!?! Take a page from your daughter Janet. She showed up at the end and thanked everyone for their well wishes and condolences and called it a day. I always knew Joe was an ass.
All in all I BET I won't be watching another BET Awards show. At least a fight didn't break out this year- or is that the Source Awards? Black folks get it together. We have so moved pass the Good Times mentality!
Friday, June 26, 2009
Other Than Michael
The sudden passing of Michael Jackson has some folks in a tale spin. To the point that one of my office mates cried. Look I love Michael Jackson. Did the man have issues? Hell yeah- but he was still a very talented person and I realized as I listened to the radio how many of his songs I actually love. So I hope he finds the peace that he never got here on earth and I am sure that in time the bad things that became a part of fame - or rather infamy- will fade and he will be overwhelmingly remembered for his talent and contributions.
But in the midst of Michael and Farah Fawcett dying within in hours of each other, there was another death. This one was not a famous person. In fact he was a poor black man in his twenties in Baltimore City hanging out in a housing project. He was shot in the neck and shoulder last night and and began to bleed out in the street. He was gone before they could get him to the hospital. No one knows what his name is. The news never reported it. They never put a face to this man. I assume that everyone assumed to worse about him. I know I did. At first.
Then I found out who the man was. My cousin Stevie. Stevie had his issues. I can't talk about him and not admit that. Yes he even has criminal record- mainly misdemeanors but still a record. Stevie was a person with a family that loved him for better or worse. He was the middle child of 3 boys and one of 13 grandkids of his grandmother. He had countless cousins and aunts and uncles. His mom and my dad were siblings and they had 13 other brothers and sisters. It would have been 17 total but 2 died in infancy. Right now he is a number. He is mentioned in 2 lines in a newspaper and for 30 seconds during the local evening news. Is that what his short life boiled down to? Is that what we see when we hear that someone was shot in Baltimore City? I have long said that we have become so numb to violence. We see it all of the time and if it is not a loved one who is a statistic we say thank God and keep it moving.
It's a shame when a life boils down to 2 lines and 30 seconds. But that's the way it is.
But in the midst of Michael and Farah Fawcett dying within in hours of each other, there was another death. This one was not a famous person. In fact he was a poor black man in his twenties in Baltimore City hanging out in a housing project. He was shot in the neck and shoulder last night and and began to bleed out in the street. He was gone before they could get him to the hospital. No one knows what his name is. The news never reported it. They never put a face to this man. I assume that everyone assumed to worse about him. I know I did. At first.
Then I found out who the man was. My cousin Stevie. Stevie had his issues. I can't talk about him and not admit that. Yes he even has criminal record- mainly misdemeanors but still a record. Stevie was a person with a family that loved him for better or worse. He was the middle child of 3 boys and one of 13 grandkids of his grandmother. He had countless cousins and aunts and uncles. His mom and my dad were siblings and they had 13 other brothers and sisters. It would have been 17 total but 2 died in infancy. Right now he is a number. He is mentioned in 2 lines in a newspaper and for 30 seconds during the local evening news. Is that what his short life boiled down to? Is that what we see when we hear that someone was shot in Baltimore City? I have long said that we have become so numb to violence. We see it all of the time and if it is not a loved one who is a statistic we say thank God and keep it moving.
It's a shame when a life boils down to 2 lines and 30 seconds. But that's the way it is.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Boys are a Trip!
So the guy and I are having some confusion and mis- information going on. I have an tendency to keep a rotation of guys. With me its feast or famine. Either 2 or 3 guys are interested at once or there is nothing. So I was telling him about the rotation. He thought that I didn't really want to spend time with him. Now when I told him about the rotation I also said that there was no rotation at this time. I said I will date more than one person but I will only sleep with one person at a time. After all if anything happens I need to know who is the baby daddy or where that rash came from.
When I told him this week that it seems like I haven't seen him in forever, he was like I didn't think that you really wanted to hang out with me like that. First thing I think is "you idiot" but for once the filter was on and I was like "don't be silly." Who am I seeing right now? I don't like having to deal with a rotation but I do that because I like to get to know folks. You never know who your "one" might be. If I make a commitment to one person then the rotation is done. If I am not committed to anyone why not date around as long as I am not sleeping around? He was the one who wanted to take things slow but when I do things he is always like "I know how you are, don't let the boys steal any kisses" or "watch out for them dudes out there who will be coming after you." Last night my Facebook status said "happiness is being clean and smelling like Ecstasy from Carol's Daughter." He calls me and was like " don't go telling people that boo" I'm thinking "why not?" but I say "why cause that is supposed to be just for you?" and he laughs and says "I just don't want your boy toys thinking they have a chance."
So what does all of this mean? Does he want something more serious or not? Is he interested in being exclusive or not? I just want to know where I stand. That will help me- and him- know what the next move is. I already know he is not sleeping with anyone else and neither am I. But other than that we just "hang out." I am about to be 32- which is too old to be "hanging out." Tell me what the deal is. Don't get possessive one day and not want anything serious another day.
When I told him this week that it seems like I haven't seen him in forever, he was like I didn't think that you really wanted to hang out with me like that. First thing I think is "you idiot" but for once the filter was on and I was like "don't be silly." Who am I seeing right now? I don't like having to deal with a rotation but I do that because I like to get to know folks. You never know who your "one" might be. If I make a commitment to one person then the rotation is done. If I am not committed to anyone why not date around as long as I am not sleeping around? He was the one who wanted to take things slow but when I do things he is always like "I know how you are, don't let the boys steal any kisses" or "watch out for them dudes out there who will be coming after you." Last night my Facebook status said "happiness is being clean and smelling like Ecstasy from Carol's Daughter." He calls me and was like " don't go telling people that boo" I'm thinking "why not?" but I say "why cause that is supposed to be just for you?" and he laughs and says "I just don't want your boy toys thinking they have a chance."
So what does all of this mean? Does he want something more serious or not? Is he interested in being exclusive or not? I just want to know where I stand. That will help me- and him- know what the next move is. I already know he is not sleeping with anyone else and neither am I. But other than that we just "hang out." I am about to be 32- which is too old to be "hanging out." Tell me what the deal is. Don't get possessive one day and not want anything serious another day.
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