So I was watching the BET Awards because I wanted to see what type of tribute they were going to do to MJ. Why? There is a reason that I never watch that show and I was reminded why on Sunday night. In general the show is always a mess. My inner snob is coming out but it is always ghetto! Folks have clothes half on, the cursing (not talking about you Eddie LeVert!) and the "bling." I mean really T Pain and his "Big Ass Chain" necklace all iced out and the fool came out with a cup in his hand. Who comes out on stage to accept an award with a cup in his hand? I can only imagine what was in it. And why do so few black folks seem to know how to speak proper English?
Another thing that I found beyond tacky was Joe Jackson. Your son just died and you are walking the red carpet talking about your new record label. Then you sit through the whole damn show! WTF?!?!?! Take a page from your daughter Janet. She showed up at the end and thanked everyone for their well wishes and condolences and called it a day. I always knew Joe was an ass.
All in all I BET I won't be watching another BET Awards show. At least a fight didn't break out this year- or is that the Source Awards? Black folks get it together. We have so moved pass the Good Times mentality!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Other Than Michael
The sudden passing of Michael Jackson has some folks in a tale spin. To the point that one of my office mates cried. Look I love Michael Jackson. Did the man have issues? Hell yeah- but he was still a very talented person and I realized as I listened to the radio how many of his songs I actually love. So I hope he finds the peace that he never got here on earth and I am sure that in time the bad things that became a part of fame - or rather infamy- will fade and he will be overwhelmingly remembered for his talent and contributions.
But in the midst of Michael and Farah Fawcett dying within in hours of each other, there was another death. This one was not a famous person. In fact he was a poor black man in his twenties in Baltimore City hanging out in a housing project. He was shot in the neck and shoulder last night and and began to bleed out in the street. He was gone before they could get him to the hospital. No one knows what his name is. The news never reported it. They never put a face to this man. I assume that everyone assumed to worse about him. I know I did. At first.
Then I found out who the man was. My cousin Stevie. Stevie had his issues. I can't talk about him and not admit that. Yes he even has criminal record- mainly misdemeanors but still a record. Stevie was a person with a family that loved him for better or worse. He was the middle child of 3 boys and one of 13 grandkids of his grandmother. He had countless cousins and aunts and uncles. His mom and my dad were siblings and they had 13 other brothers and sisters. It would have been 17 total but 2 died in infancy. Right now he is a number. He is mentioned in 2 lines in a newspaper and for 30 seconds during the local evening news. Is that what his short life boiled down to? Is that what we see when we hear that someone was shot in Baltimore City? I have long said that we have become so numb to violence. We see it all of the time and if it is not a loved one who is a statistic we say thank God and keep it moving.
It's a shame when a life boils down to 2 lines and 30 seconds. But that's the way it is.
But in the midst of Michael and Farah Fawcett dying within in hours of each other, there was another death. This one was not a famous person. In fact he was a poor black man in his twenties in Baltimore City hanging out in a housing project. He was shot in the neck and shoulder last night and and began to bleed out in the street. He was gone before they could get him to the hospital. No one knows what his name is. The news never reported it. They never put a face to this man. I assume that everyone assumed to worse about him. I know I did. At first.
Then I found out who the man was. My cousin Stevie. Stevie had his issues. I can't talk about him and not admit that. Yes he even has criminal record- mainly misdemeanors but still a record. Stevie was a person with a family that loved him for better or worse. He was the middle child of 3 boys and one of 13 grandkids of his grandmother. He had countless cousins and aunts and uncles. His mom and my dad were siblings and they had 13 other brothers and sisters. It would have been 17 total but 2 died in infancy. Right now he is a number. He is mentioned in 2 lines in a newspaper and for 30 seconds during the local evening news. Is that what his short life boiled down to? Is that what we see when we hear that someone was shot in Baltimore City? I have long said that we have become so numb to violence. We see it all of the time and if it is not a loved one who is a statistic we say thank God and keep it moving.
It's a shame when a life boils down to 2 lines and 30 seconds. But that's the way it is.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Boys are a Trip!
So the guy and I are having some confusion and mis- information going on. I have an tendency to keep a rotation of guys. With me its feast or famine. Either 2 or 3 guys are interested at once or there is nothing. So I was telling him about the rotation. He thought that I didn't really want to spend time with him. Now when I told him about the rotation I also said that there was no rotation at this time. I said I will date more than one person but I will only sleep with one person at a time. After all if anything happens I need to know who is the baby daddy or where that rash came from.
When I told him this week that it seems like I haven't seen him in forever, he was like I didn't think that you really wanted to hang out with me like that. First thing I think is "you idiot" but for once the filter was on and I was like "don't be silly." Who am I seeing right now? I don't like having to deal with a rotation but I do that because I like to get to know folks. You never know who your "one" might be. If I make a commitment to one person then the rotation is done. If I am not committed to anyone why not date around as long as I am not sleeping around? He was the one who wanted to take things slow but when I do things he is always like "I know how you are, don't let the boys steal any kisses" or "watch out for them dudes out there who will be coming after you." Last night my Facebook status said "happiness is being clean and smelling like Ecstasy from Carol's Daughter." He calls me and was like " don't go telling people that boo" I'm thinking "why not?" but I say "why cause that is supposed to be just for you?" and he laughs and says "I just don't want your boy toys thinking they have a chance."
So what does all of this mean? Does he want something more serious or not? Is he interested in being exclusive or not? I just want to know where I stand. That will help me- and him- know what the next move is. I already know he is not sleeping with anyone else and neither am I. But other than that we just "hang out." I am about to be 32- which is too old to be "hanging out." Tell me what the deal is. Don't get possessive one day and not want anything serious another day.
When I told him this week that it seems like I haven't seen him in forever, he was like I didn't think that you really wanted to hang out with me like that. First thing I think is "you idiot" but for once the filter was on and I was like "don't be silly." Who am I seeing right now? I don't like having to deal with a rotation but I do that because I like to get to know folks. You never know who your "one" might be. If I make a commitment to one person then the rotation is done. If I am not committed to anyone why not date around as long as I am not sleeping around? He was the one who wanted to take things slow but when I do things he is always like "I know how you are, don't let the boys steal any kisses" or "watch out for them dudes out there who will be coming after you." Last night my Facebook status said "happiness is being clean and smelling like Ecstasy from Carol's Daughter." He calls me and was like " don't go telling people that boo" I'm thinking "why not?" but I say "why cause that is supposed to be just for you?" and he laughs and says "I just don't want your boy toys thinking they have a chance."
So what does all of this mean? Does he want something more serious or not? Is he interested in being exclusive or not? I just want to know where I stand. That will help me- and him- know what the next move is. I already know he is not sleeping with anyone else and neither am I. But other than that we just "hang out." I am about to be 32- which is too old to be "hanging out." Tell me what the deal is. Don't get possessive one day and not want anything serious another day.
Monday, June 22, 2009
So since I was actually talking to my father this year on Father's Day, I actually hung out with him. Now that I am speaking to Melinda, my step mom, I also acknowledge her son Desmond and her nephew Danny. Desmond is married to Nina and they have a son named Deshaun. I call him big head. And the fool answers! Desmond also has a baby momma and his daughter's name is Jahniyah. Everyone was here this past week. Desmond is in the Army so they are stationed in Georgia right now. Jahniyah lives in Florida with her mom. Danny has graduated from Frostburg and is home looking for a job. So when my say my little brothers- Danny and Desmond (since dad and Melinda raised Danny,) my sis-in-law is Nina (who I like very much. Girl can drink!) and my niece and nephew- that is who I am talking about. After all I am my mom and dad's only child and it was like that for 20 years!
Niyah made me a beaded bracelet (Melinda laid everything out in order and Niyah stung them) with my name on it. I promised that I would wear it and I am. I miss the kids but I know that Pop-Pop and Mimi are glad to have peace once again as Desmond, Nina and Deshaun left yesterday and Niyah left this morning.
So now I have another part of the family to get used to and it is kinda fun.
Niyah made me a beaded bracelet (Melinda laid everything out in order and Niyah stung them) with my name on it. I promised that I would wear it and I am. I miss the kids but I know that Pop-Pop and Mimi are glad to have peace once again as Desmond, Nina and Deshaun left yesterday and Niyah left this morning.
So now I have another part of the family to get used to and it is kinda fun.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Holding Patterns
I'm a little frustrated. I seem to be in a holding pattern. I need to break out of this monotony but I don't know how. I go to work, I bake, I sleep, I may go out sometimes. I hate feeling like burden to my friends. Since most of them are married with kids and houses and real responsibilities I sometimes feel like a 3rd wheel. I guess I should get over that and get used to being the single friend and just check out what folks are doing.
I need to get off my ass and just get involved in things. Maybe I should join a social club. The only problem is when school starts being social is out.
Even things with the boy are at a stand still. Let's face it I have a huge crush on him. He makes feel all gushy and silly when I talk to him or about him or when I am with him. We talk on the phone, via email and text message. We hang out a bit. We talk about things we want to do, we have sex. That's it. I want more. We have talked about it. We have the same long term goals. I think mine are more immediate. So in a way we are at an impasse. One of the things I know about me is that I actually like for a guy to take the lead in relationships. I am so dominate in so many other areas of my life but when it comes to guys I like for them to make the first move and I follow suit. Unless they are being complete idiots then I take over.
Now he is thinking of a move to the west coast- which I knew that moving was something that he always thought about- and I am like what about me? I don't want him to go. I want him to make more of a commitment to me. I want him to friggin get serious but I need him to want to. Does that make sense? In other words I want him make the decision because I am where I want to be and I want to know this is where he wants to be as well. I value my friendship with him too much to force him into something. It has to be his decision. I don't want a ring and I am not asking for forever- yet. I'm just asking that we move to the next level.
And guys say women are complicated.
I need to get off my ass and just get involved in things. Maybe I should join a social club. The only problem is when school starts being social is out.
Even things with the boy are at a stand still. Let's face it I have a huge crush on him. He makes feel all gushy and silly when I talk to him or about him or when I am with him. We talk on the phone, via email and text message. We hang out a bit. We talk about things we want to do, we have sex. That's it. I want more. We have talked about it. We have the same long term goals. I think mine are more immediate. So in a way we are at an impasse. One of the things I know about me is that I actually like for a guy to take the lead in relationships. I am so dominate in so many other areas of my life but when it comes to guys I like for them to make the first move and I follow suit. Unless they are being complete idiots then I take over.
Now he is thinking of a move to the west coast- which I knew that moving was something that he always thought about- and I am like what about me? I don't want him to go. I want him to make more of a commitment to me. I want him to friggin get serious but I need him to want to. Does that make sense? In other words I want him make the decision because I am where I want to be and I want to know this is where he wants to be as well. I value my friendship with him too much to force him into something. It has to be his decision. I don't want a ring and I am not asking for forever- yet. I'm just asking that we move to the next level.
And guys say women are complicated.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Rumors
There is a rumor going around that says that state workers will not get a COLA (cost of living adjustment) and that DPP employees won't get our steps this new fiscal year. Now wait just a damn minute!
In the last 6 months I have taken 16 hours of furlough time- meaning they took 2 days of pay- AND a salary reduction for the first half of the year. Now you are telling me that I will not get my measly 1.5-2% COLA and I won't get step- which may be an additional $30 per check after taxes? The State is a damn lie if they think that is going to happen. I am also due a promotion to Agent Senior. I guess I'll get the title but not the salary.
This is insane. We have all had to tighten our belts but how much more tightening can we be expected to do? There are also rumors floating around that there will be more furlough days. Once again wait a damn minute. I don't know who the State of Maryland thinks they are playing with but I am not the one! I'm tired of folks messing with my money. I was recently asked on my grad school financial aid application what my salary was and damned if I knew! I went by last year's numbers.
With gas, the cost of food- especially if you want to try and eat healthy- and the cost of living in general, I can't afford to work for the state!
In the last 6 months I have taken 16 hours of furlough time- meaning they took 2 days of pay- AND a salary reduction for the first half of the year. Now you are telling me that I will not get my measly 1.5-2% COLA and I won't get step- which may be an additional $30 per check after taxes? The State is a damn lie if they think that is going to happen. I am also due a promotion to Agent Senior. I guess I'll get the title but not the salary.
This is insane. We have all had to tighten our belts but how much more tightening can we be expected to do? There are also rumors floating around that there will be more furlough days. Once again wait a damn minute. I don't know who the State of Maryland thinks they are playing with but I am not the one! I'm tired of folks messing with my money. I was recently asked on my grad school financial aid application what my salary was and damned if I knew! I went by last year's numbers.
With gas, the cost of food- especially if you want to try and eat healthy- and the cost of living in general, I can't afford to work for the state!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Question
Why do people walk in the street or across the grass? It's called a sidewalk
Why do folks tell other folks that they look good when they look a hot mess? That shit is not cute. Please wear clothing that is body type appropriate! I am sick of seeing the crack of your ass, your dirty boxers, your stomach hanging out under your shirt, your breasts hanging out of the top of your shirt. And remember where you are. A shirt that says "I'm not a gynecologist but I'll take a look" is not appropriate for a meeting with you Probation Agent
What is with grillz and frontz? You look a mess, you sound a mess and yet you wonder why no one will hire you.
If you can't afford to get a good weave or the upkeep why get one? And use real hair please
If you are over 40 why do you have lime green hair and your child's clothes on?
These are the things I see looking out of my office window. Why?
Why do folks tell other folks that they look good when they look a hot mess? That shit is not cute. Please wear clothing that is body type appropriate! I am sick of seeing the crack of your ass, your dirty boxers, your stomach hanging out under your shirt, your breasts hanging out of the top of your shirt. And remember where you are. A shirt that says "I'm not a gynecologist but I'll take a look" is not appropriate for a meeting with you Probation Agent
What is with grillz and frontz? You look a mess, you sound a mess and yet you wonder why no one will hire you.
If you can't afford to get a good weave or the upkeep why get one? And use real hair please
If you are over 40 why do you have lime green hair and your child's clothes on?
These are the things I see looking out of my office window. Why?
Monday, June 15, 2009
Don't Sleep
How about can't sleep. This non sleeping thing is annoying! The only good thing is I get to work early and I get to leave early. Half my day is done by 11. I find that I also get more work done. So I guess there is something positive in all of this.
I have pills that I can take but they make me soooooo groggy that I hate taking them because I am up in the morning and wondering how I am supposed to get out of bed. Like it took me 20 mins one morning to realize that I had to swing my legs out of bed and put my feet on the floor and stand up. 20 mins! I hat driving like that.
When I can't sleep something is going on. Either my depression is getting worse or I'm worried about something or I'm obsessing abut something. I don't know which is which at this point. But one thing I do know is that I need to stop taking naps even though I am dead when I get home. I think I will take the pills over the weekend and try to establish a pattern again. Hopefully that will work!
I have pills that I can take but they make me soooooo groggy that I hate taking them because I am up in the morning and wondering how I am supposed to get out of bed. Like it took me 20 mins one morning to realize that I had to swing my legs out of bed and put my feet on the floor and stand up. 20 mins! I hat driving like that.
When I can't sleep something is going on. Either my depression is getting worse or I'm worried about something or I'm obsessing abut something. I don't know which is which at this point. But one thing I do know is that I need to stop taking naps even though I am dead when I get home. I think I will take the pills over the weekend and try to establish a pattern again. Hopefully that will work!
My Book
You know its Monday and I am not in the office. I am sitting here at the police station seeing my folks. I think I should write a book. I'm going to title it "This n That" because I can see me talking about everything from being crazy, to being fat, to my job, to sex, the mis-adventures of my life and the dumb shit that people do that get on my nerves. Above all it's gotta be funny. I don't do downers dammit. It will have cursing and names will be changed to protect the guilty and maybe the innocent. So some chapters could be:
I Papers to Prove I'm Crazy, What's Your Excuse
What the Fuck?!
Good Friends help You Hide the Bodies
Why Fat Girls Are Good at Sex and Blow Jobs
I Work For the State- Need I Say More?
When in Doubt, Eat Chocolate
Parents Make Their Kids Crazy
No Really, I Don't Like People
I Papers to Prove I'm Crazy, What's Your Excuse
What the Fuck?!
Good Friends help You Hide the Bodies
Why Fat Girls Are Good at Sex and Blow Jobs
I Work For the State- Need I Say More?
When in Doubt, Eat Chocolate
Parents Make Their Kids Crazy
No Really, I Don't Like People
The Game Plan
I need a game plan to snag the boy. I think he could be the one but of course he is dragging his feet. I just want a shot and if it doesn't work- oh well at least we tried. So how do I do this, make him think its his idea and keep the friendship if the relationship doesn't work out?
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Such is Life
So what did my day look like? Boring as hell! I cleaned, I napped, I hung out with my dad, step mom, little brothers, niece, nephew and sis-in-law. Then I came home and ate mashed potatoes and too much chocolate.
Waiting for the boy to come back- and hoping that he is thinking what I am thinking....
Waiting for the boy to come back- and hoping that he is thinking what I am thinking....
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