I have given up on trying to understand guys! I have accepted that I will be alone for the rest of my life!

I just don't get how he could say I miss you and lets plan to meet up and then out of the other side of his mouth say I just don't feel like company when the time comes. So I say to you my dear 3rd Grade- forget it. I give up trying to figure out what you want. Especially when you don't know. I am leaving you alone to find yourself. When you do, I may be around, I may not. Being friends with you is too hard right now. Starved crushes die and I hope this one won't be a slow death. While I am upset with you, I don't wish you ill. I just hope that you find what you are looking for. In time, I hope we really can be good friends because no matter what I will miss you.

Being a Brown Trout

So it would seem that in the world the fish the brown trout has it right. He doesn't chase the bait. He waits for the bait to come to him.

So I am practising to be a brown trout. I am tired of doing the chasing. Hell I'm tired of the chase. If 3rd grade wants me seriously, he is going to have to come to me. I can't keep pushing and nudging him along. I'm not saying that I will be a bitch but instead of putting an idea in his head and making him think its his own, it will actually have to be his own. I want this but he has to want this also. So I will be his friend. I will respond to him. But I won't lead him.

Big words. Lets see if my actions can back it up.....

BET on a Hot Mess

So I was watching the BET Awards because I wanted to see what type of tribute they were going to do to MJ. Why? There is a reason that I never watch that show and I was reminded why on Sunday night. In general the show is always a mess. My inner snob is coming out but it is always ghetto! Folks have clothes half on, the cursing (not talking about you Eddie LeVert!) and the "bling." I mean really T Pain and his "Big Ass Chain" necklace all iced out and the fool came out with a cup in his hand. Who comes out on stage to accept an award with a cup in his hand? I can only imagine what was in it. And why do so few black folks seem to know how to speak proper English?

Another thing that I found beyond tacky was Joe Jackson. Your son just died and you are walking the red carpet talking about your new record label. Then you sit through the whole damn show! WTF?!?!?! Take a page from your daughter Janet. She showed up at the end and thanked everyone for their well wishes and condolences and called it a day. I always knew Joe was an ass.

All in all I BET I won't be watching another BET Awards show. At least a fight didn't break out this year- or is that the Source Awards? Black folks get it together. We have so moved pass the Good Times mentality!

Other Than Michael

The sudden passing of Michael Jackson has some folks in a tale spin. To the point that one of my office mates cried. Look I love Michael Jackson. Did the man have issues? Hell yeah- but he was still a very talented person and I realized as I listened to the radio how many of his songs I actually love. So I hope he finds the peace that he never got here on earth and I am sure that in time the bad things that became a part of fame - or rather infamy- will fade and he will be overwhelmingly remembered for his talent and contributions.

But in the midst of Michael and Farah Fawcett dying within in hours of each other, there was another death. This one was not a famous person. In fact he was a poor black man in his twenties in Baltimore City hanging out in a housing project. He was shot in the neck and shoulder last night and and began to bleed out in the street. He was gone before they could get him to the hospital. No one knows what his name is. The news never reported it. They never put a face to this man. I assume that everyone assumed to worse about him. I know I did. At first.

Then I found out who the man was. My cousin Stevie. Stevie had his issues. I can't talk about him and not admit that. Yes he even has criminal record- mainly misdemeanors but still a record. Stevie was a person with a family that loved him for better or worse. He was the middle child of 3 boys and one of 13 grandkids of his grandmother. He had countless cousins and aunts and uncles. His mom and my dad were siblings and they had 13 other brothers and sisters. It would have been 17 total but 2 died in infancy. Right now he is a number. He is mentioned in 2 lines in a newspaper and for 30 seconds during the local evening news. Is that what his short life boiled down to? Is that what we see when we hear that someone was shot in Baltimore City? I have long said that we have become so numb to violence. We see it all of the time and if it is not a loved one who is a statistic we say thank God and keep it moving.

It's a shame when a life boils down to 2 lines and 30 seconds. But that's the way it is.

Boys are a Trip!

So the guy and I are having some confusion and mis- information going on. I have an tendency to keep a rotation of guys. With me its feast or famine. Either 2 or 3 guys are interested at once or there is nothing. So I was telling him about the rotation. He thought that I didn't really want to spend time with him. Now when I told him about the rotation I also said that there was no rotation at this time. I said I will date more than one person but I will only sleep with one person at a time. After all if anything happens I need to know who is the baby daddy or where that rash came from.

When I told him this week that it seems like I haven't seen him in forever, he was like I didn't think that you really wanted to hang out with me like that. First thing I think is "you idiot" but for once the filter was on and I was like "don't be silly." Who am I seeing right now? I don't like having to deal with a rotation but I do that because I like to get to know folks. You never know who your "one" might be. If I make a commitment to one person then the rotation is done. If I am not committed to anyone why not date around as long as I am not sleeping around? He was the one who wanted to take things slow but when I do things he is always like "I know how you are, don't let the boys steal any kisses" or "watch out for them dudes out there who will be coming after you." Last night my Facebook status said "happiness is being clean and smelling like Ecstasy from Carol's Daughter." He calls me and was like " don't go telling people that boo" I'm thinking "why not?" but I say "why cause that is supposed to be just for you?" and he laughs and says "I just don't want your boy toys thinking they have a chance."

So what does all of this mean? Does he want something more serious or not? Is he interested in being exclusive or not? I just want to know where I stand. That will help me- and him- know what the next move is. I already know he is not sleeping with anyone else and neither am I. But other than that we just "hang out." I am about to be 32- which is too old to be "hanging out." Tell me what the deal is. Don't get possessive one day and not want anything serious another day.

So since I was actually talking to my father this year on Father's Day, I actually hung out with him. Now that I am speaking to Melinda, my step mom, I also acknowledge her son Desmond and her nephew Danny. Desmond is married to Nina and they have a son named Deshaun. I call him big head. And the fool answers! Desmond also has a baby momma and his daughter's name is Jahniyah. Everyone was here this past week. Desmond is in the Army so they are stationed in Georgia right now. Jahniyah lives in Florida with her mom. Danny has graduated from Frostburg and is home looking for a job. So when my say my little brothers- Danny and Desmond (since dad and Melinda raised Danny,) my sis-in-law is Nina (who I like very much. Girl can drink!) and my niece and nephew- that is who I am talking about. After all I am my mom and dad's only child and it was like that for 20 years!

Niyah made me a beaded bracelet (Melinda laid everything out in order and Niyah stung them) with my name on it. I promised that I would wear it and I am. I miss the kids but I know that Pop-Pop and Mimi are glad to have peace once again as Desmond, Nina and Deshaun left yesterday and Niyah left this morning.

So now I have another part of the family to get used to and it is kinda fun.

Holding Patterns

I'm a little frustrated. I seem to be in a holding pattern. I need to break out of this monotony but I don't know how. I go to work, I bake, I sleep, I may go out sometimes. I hate feeling like burden to my friends. Since most of them are married with kids and houses and real responsibilities I sometimes feel like a 3rd wheel. I guess I should get over that and get used to being the single friend and just check out what folks are doing.

I need to get off my ass and just get involved in things. Maybe I should join a social club. The only problem is when school starts being social is out.

Even things with the boy are at a stand still. Let's face it I have a huge crush on him. He makes feel all gushy and silly when I talk to him or about him or when I am with him. We talk on the phone, via email and text message. We hang out a bit. We talk about things we want to do, we have sex. That's it. I want more. We have talked about it. We have the same long term goals. I think mine are more immediate. So in a way we are at an impasse. One of the things I know about me is that I actually like for a guy to take the lead in relationships. I am so dominate in so many other areas of my life but when it comes to guys I like for them to make the first move and I follow suit. Unless they are being complete idiots then I take over.

Now he is thinking of a move to the west coast- which I knew that moving was something that he always thought about- and I am like what about me? I don't want him to go. I want him to make more of a commitment to me. I want him to friggin get serious but I need him to want to. Does that make sense? In other words I want him make the decision because I am where I want to be and I want to know this is where he wants to be as well. I value my friendship with him too much to force him into something. It has to be his decision. I don't want a ring and I am not asking for forever- yet. I'm just asking that we move to the next level.

And guys say women are complicated.